teenyyogini

The Accidental, On-Purpose Unassisted Home Birth of Seraphina Pearl Brown

2012-01-04T09:32:00.001-08:00

Delphi will be born quickly, easily and safely into the loving arms of our family.
-my birth intention

(Delphi was Seraphina's nickname in utero, inspired by the children's book The Tiniest Mermaid, in which a little girl, Lily, rescues a tiny mermaid who was injured in a storm and keeps her in a fish tank until she returns to health and then to the sea)

I believe deeply in the power of positive thought as a tool for manifesting what we want in our lives and often use affirmations as a method for cultivating this positive focus. In the very first night of the Yoga Birth classes that I teach, I invite each couple to reflect on their highest hopes for the birth of their baby (both from their own and the baby's perspective), and ultimately use those reflections to craft a clearly stated birth intention that we then use as a focal point for the remainder of the classes and I hope they use as a focal point for the remainder of their pregnancy.

As I reflected back on my journey through two prior pregnancies and births and looked forward to Delphi's birth, one theme that wove itself throughout was the deepening realization of pregnancy and birth as a normal, healthy, family rite of passage, rather than a medical emergency waiting to happen. Arabella's birth was the gift that opened my eyes to this, and Aurora's birth only deepened my embodiment of the fact that my body knows how to give birth, my baby knows how to be born, and I could trust nature's design, trust the process, trust the universe. So with my third pregnancy, I felt even more prepared to leave it up to nature unless there was some critical indication that greater assistance was needed. I had no tests (save GBS in the third trimester), no ultrasounds, no vaginal exams. I did enlist the services of a home birth midwife and her team to provide prenatal care and moral support throughout pregnancy and birth, but chose wisely someone who had many years of experience in a variety of settings that taught her of the power of birth, mothers and babies - when we mostly LEAVE THEM ALONE to do their work in their own unique way.

Part of my unique way was FAST! Arabella was almost born in the car on the way to the hospital and Aurora arrived in less than 3 hours at home. In both cases, my labor required no coaching, no instruction, only instinct. In both cases, the midwives arrived either after (Arabella) or concurrently (Aurora) with the baby. No heart tones were taken, nothing was monitored, checked, inserted, attached or done. Simply body and baby. So in the spirit of trusting the process even more the third go around, I began to mull the idea of giving birth without assistance. I did not share these ruminations with many. Tell people you are having a home birth and most think you are crazy. Tell people you want to give birth without an attendant of any kind and they really think you've lost it. I myself would have never entertained the idea until I was exposed to the perspective of Laura Shanley, a proponent on unassisted birth, through an online teleconference I participated in, in which many leaders in the field of natural and conscious birth, presented their unique take over a 12 week period. Laura had given birth to five children unassisted, at least one of them where she was entirely alone. I was intrigued, but certainly not sold that this was THE way I had to go, but it cracked a window of thought for me that came to fruition on 12/6/11.

I am absolutely a proponent of out-of-hospital birth for many reasons, but I am also a proponent of midwives and birthing mothers being attended by trained care providers during labor and birth. I am not reckless with the lives of my children. But I am connected to my own instincts and trust them deeply, and therefore did give some space to the instinct that maybe this birth could happen with only our family in attendance. After all, the other two had mostly happened that way, but by accident. This one had a bit of purpose behind it. However, I was not going to be cavalier about the choice. I hired a midwife. I had great prenatal care. I worked to prepare body, mind and spirit by staying strong and connected to my inner wisdom. I researched. I talked. I meditated and prayed. I decided that I would invite Delphi to be born into the loving arms of just our family, and then leave it to labor to see what it would bring me. I knew that I had hired a birth team that was beyond competent to see me though the process, and I would not hesitate to call on them should I have any inkling that assistance was needed. I knew I would want to have them here after the birth to check on the baby and me, but I put it out to the universe that - if the stars aligned - I would love to have the experience of welcoming this baby all on our own - intentionally.

It began to play out before the "due date" (oh, how I've come to loathe that concept and all the expectations and comments it brings, but that is another post) as I began to have regular episodes of frequent, fairly strong contractions that would last for a few hours. Sometimes they felt like the muscles of my uterus contracting, but more often they felt like a deep, inner spiraling, a pulling of cervical tissues that was a familiar, pinpointed sensation at the base of my central channel. Each time, a little more excitement built, as I felt surely it couldn't be too much longer. But like Aurora's birth, it would tease and tease and tease. Grateful, I knew it was work, it was progress being made, but when would it bring about a birth? As Thanksgiving came and went, the due date came and went, another week came and went, I was beginning to think I would be the only person in the history of the world who would just stay pregnant FOREVER. Funny how your rational mind knows it won't happen, but when you are that pregnant, the rational mind is not always in control!

I had stopped teaching yoga, stopped taking the girls out to our usual playdates and outings - knowing my history of precipitous birth, I didn't want to get caught out and about when my body decided to finish the job. So those last weeks were marked by lots of crocheting and crafts and things I could do while seated and waiting. Finally, I woke up on Tuesday, December 6th with one baby in my arms (Aurora) to two, very deep, inner spiraling type contractions that felt different than the ones in the previous weeks - deeper, fuller, more to the back. I knew better than to get too excited, until I got up to go to the bathroom and found BLOODY SHOW! I was so happy to know that YES, this baby was going to come out and soon we would meet and hold our long-anticipated Delphi. It was 8 AM.

I texted the midwife to keep her in the loop, but I wasn't having regular contractions, so I just told her to hang tight, and I'd keep her posted. We all woke up, the girls began their play, I might have had some coffee and by 9 AM, sensations returned with regularity this time and I immediately went to my knees, laying over the ball in our bedroom floor, rolling around on the ball while the girls were in and out of the room, only slightly tuned into what was happening. The contractions were 5-7 minutes or so apart (by my estimation, I wasn't timing them, but they were definitely not on top of each other). I asked Travis to fill the tub. Not knowing if this one would come as quickly as the others, I didn't want to get caught without the warm, soothing water if it did, and good thing...

I spent some time on the floor, walking around, on the toilet, wondering, waiting, wishing, excited. Checked in with the second midwife, who said to check back in when the contractions got closer together. I can remember having a little internal smile when she said that, wondering how it would play out, when I'd want to call, if I'd want to call and just curious how this journey would compare to the previous two. Not too long after that, I wanted to get in the tub. I HAD to get in the tub. Had no idea how progressed I might be and everyone always says not to get in the tub too soon, as it can slow the labor progress down. I didn't care one bit if it slowed things down. That's the beauty of being at home and being able to labor your own way without anyone telling you what do to. Your intuition knows what to do if you are tuned in enough to listen to and trust that inner voice. So I got in the tub.

I slid into the warm water and it was heaven. I took off my shirt, and the only thing I was wearing was a headband Arabella had finger knitted for me that had three strands of yarn hanging off the back - one for each baby! So sweet. And she was an amazing little doula as I rolled around in the tub and opened my hips into "frog pose" and I could feel the baby full in my center. Bella got me water and insisted the candles on my altar we all created together be lit. Travis wondered aloud if it was too early for that, but she knowingly insisted. They were both completely attentive, bringing me whatever I needed as I embraced the intense comfort the water provided. Aurora was more interested in watching Clifford the big red dog, which was fine by me because I did not have the mental fortitude to tend to a toddler while doing this work. The timeline is all a blur now, but within just a little bit after getting in the tub (10-20 minutes) I began to feel that familiar bearing down and make those familiar grunting sounds, knowing that meant the baby was not far behind.

It took a few contractions to really build up to full on pushing, and in the meantime Travis called one of the midwives to update her that I was beginning to push. I knew, as he was speaking to her, that the baby would be there within minutes, and that she would not, and I was 100% fine about that and excited, as I knew things would work out exactly as I had hoped - our Delphi would be born into the loving arms of our family, and then the midwives would come after to check on us and make sure all was well. He hung up the phone, and the next giant grunting push I had a head in my hands. One more strong effort, and Seraphina rushed out of my body, floated straight up to my chest and emerged from the surface of the water pink and screaming. I knew in that instant she was absolutely fine and we had done it, just as we wished - alone - accidentally on-purpose.

Arabella ran to get Aurora in that moment, and there we were, all together, basking in the bliss of this new arrival. Travis finally thought to ask the gender, and we checked and were elated to learn that a third sister had been gifted to our loving family. We kept her body in the warm water, covered her with a warm, wet towel and many, many kisses and held her there until about a half hour later, the midwife arrived, checked the cord for any remaining pulsation, and after determining it was safe to cut, Travis cut the cord and freed Seraphina Pearl fully into her own earthly life - welcomed quickly, easily and safely into the loving arms of our family.

I got out of the tub and utilized gravity to let the placenta slide out easily. We plan to plant it in the spring with some Delphinium flowers in honor of our little baby Delphi, born at home, in the water, unassisted, accidentally on-purpose.

The Most Important Thing We've Learned as far as Children are Concerned

2011-12-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

One of my greatest parenting struggles is around the use of television. If I had my way, there wouldn't even be one in the house. My complaints are many and go beyond specific content into the nature of the medium itself and certainly the commercialization and materialism that is inherent in its use. It is impossible to totally eliminate it from the lives of my children - and I do admit to using it myself to get a hot bath or a quick nap on a stressful day. Some ask what's the harm, and to that I found this great poem I thought worth sharing that addresses it. For further investigation into what's the harm, read the works of Joseph Chilton Pearce (who heralds incidentally hospital birth along with TV as two of the greatest harms we are doing to our children). Here's the poem...

by Road Dahl, a famous English writer with roots in Norway.

“The most important thing we’ve learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set –
Or better still, just don’t install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we’ve been,
We’ve watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone’s place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they’re hypnotised by it,
Until they’re absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don’t climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink –
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK — HE ONLY SEES!
‘All right!’ you’ll cry. ‘All right!’ you’ll say,
‘But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!’
We’ll answer this by asking you,
‘What used the darling ones to do?
‘How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?’
Have you forgotten? Don’t you know?
We’ll say it very loud and slow:
THEY … USED … TO … READ! They’d READ and READ,
AND READ and READ, and then proceed
–
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks-
Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They’ll now begin to feel the need
Of having something to read.

You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hearts. They’ll grow so keen
They’ll wonder what they’d ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did.”

Basic Guidelines for the Practice of Prenatal Yoga

2011-11-30T10:25:00.000-08:00

A fundamental aspect of yoga practice is that it is a highly individual endeavor. Group classes are valuable because they give us added motivation, direction and support, dedicated time and space to focus and the group dynamic offers an uplifting and inspiring energy that carries us. But even within the structure of a group class, there exists the necessity of honoring what we bring as individuals to the mat - our unique bodies, our level of experience, our motivation for practice, our energy on any given day, and during pregnancy, certainly our stage of gestation. The yogic teaching of coming to the mat with fresh eyes each time we step on, without expectation, willing to encounter and work with and love whatever we find during that specific practice is especially important during pregnancy when the body is constantly changing, its needs being discovered anew each time we practice and its demands requiring a level of surrender like no other time.

I am often asked the question "What should I avoid/modify/emphasize in my yoga practice during pregnancy?" and I always preface my answer with the idea that the most important element is connectedness. Are you connected to your body and your breath? Are you able to tune into the instincts of your body and your heart? If a practitioner is practicing from this place of connectedness, then the answers of what to do and what to avoid are much easier to obtain from within, than relying on guidance from without. Guidance by a skilled and trained teacher is important, just as you trust and rely on your care provider during pregnancy and birth to help guide you to what is best for yourself and your baby, but ultimately, YOU are the greatest authority on what is right and proper for you and your body and your baby.

So step #1 is Let Your Intuition Guide You.

Step #2 is to consider the specifics of your practice history. How long have you been practicing? How often? What style of yoga? Were you secure and solid in challenging poses like Headstand and Crow before becoming pregnant, or were these poses still works in progress (if you were practicing these kinds of challenge poses at all. The prenatal yoga practice of a yogini who has been practicing Ashtanga for 10 years will look quite different from the practice of someone who just decided to try yoga after becoming pregnant because they understand the benefits and are experiencing a surge in motivation to try it to create the healthiest pregnancy possible. There is no clear right or wrong, just unique.

Step #3 is to consider how you are feeling at any given stage of pregnancy and what your body wants and needs from your practice. Some moms spend the first trimester exhausted, nauseous and unable to motivate to any type of physical activity. Others barely notice any physical symptoms and continue a highly active lifestyle. Others find as the baby grows into the second and third trimesters, they want to move more slowly or focus on certain kinds of postures tailored to certain physical expressions of pregnancy in their own bodies. Remember that even when you cannot see the work that is taking place, your body is essentially climbing Mount Everest inside - undertaking an extremely demanding physical feat that demands respect and surrender. Honoring what you feel on any given day, during any given trimester, and tailoring your practice to those observations is critical. First trimester may call for a practice marked by restorative poses and breathing exercises. Second trimester may call for an active practice. Third trimester may call for a slowing down, a deeper focus on hip opening and activating the downward energy pattern in the body apana vayu. However you feel on any given day during any given practice, it is vital to remain connected to the moment and honor the flow and fluctuations of the journey as they come to you.

So focus on remaining connected to your inner knowing and honoring the present needs of the body, and you will go a long way toward creating a practice that supports your pregnancy and prepares you to give birth with grace and ease, in the best possible manner for YOU.

That said, some GENERAL guidelines I offer students are:

Postures to Avoid or Modify

Deep twists

Twisting postures can be wonderful tonics for the spine, the immune and nervous systems and gentle twists can still be practiced, but avoiding deep twists with tremendous amounts of abdominal compression (such as binding postures of any sort) is important to allow for proper implantation of the embryo during the first trimester and just become generally uncomfortable and unavailable as the baby starts to grow. This is especially important in anyone with a history of pregnancy loss. Gentle twists, such as twisting from easy pose, standing or seated wide angle forward bend or reclining twist can be accessible and beneficial. In postures such as Marichyasana C, try eliminating the bind and twisting in the opposite direction, away from the leg.

Jumping and hopping postures - Eliminate jumping and hopping into and out of sun salutations or other poses. Just step instead.

Belly down postures - postures that put a lot of direct pressure on the lower abdomen, such as bow pulling pose or locust pose are generally best avoided, and like twists, at some point will become simply uncomfortable and impossible. Many of these can be recreated on the side or the hands and knees, such as substituting Sunbird on alternating sides for Locust to strengthen the back and core.

Arm balances and inversions
These poses are fine IF you are experienced and secure in them, but if they are precarious and introduce a risk of falling, it is best to keep grounded. Postures such as headstand, handstand and forearm balance can give pregnant women a tremendous sense of strength and freedom, but should ONLY be practiced if secure in them before becoming pregnant, and ideally with the added support of the wall. Shoulder stand is often one of the first inversions to be eliminated from a prenatal practice, because it becomes more difficult to breathe with the weight of the baby on the diaphragm and the compression of the throat. Arm balances are ok to practice, again if secure in them before pregnancy so the risk of falling is minimal, but at some point, these too will become much harder as your necessary core muscles become more challenging to engage and connect with. But rest assured - they WILL return if you return to practice!

Direct core work - This category is debatable, but it can (again, GENERALLY) be advised to back off of direct core work, like boat pose or any exercise that requires a "crunching" type motion" and strengthen the core via other, less direct, methods, such as Sunbird.

Most Important
Never strain or force your body into ANY posture during pregnancy. Proceed slowly and mindfully and avoid anything that causes specific discomfort (for instance, pelvic pain). Avoid any postures that make you feel light headed or dizzy and always be in communication with your teacher and your care provider about any symptoms that you experience out of the ordinary during yoga practice.

Postures to Emphasize
Just as there are a few categories of poses that become more challenging or need to be eliminated during pregnancy, there are also a few that are especially beneficial. Those are:

Strengthening poses
Often standing postures, poses that build strength are excellent for pregnancy to keep the body strong, fit and prepared for the challenges of birth! Included in this category are the Warrior Poses, Chair Pose, Plank Pose, Triangle, Side Angle, and Goddess. As you build physical strength through these postures, you also gain inner strength, confidence, power and perseverance.

Hip openers - One of the most common complaints of pregnant women is generalized hip discomfort as the entire lower spinal/pelvic/hip region is strained. Hip openers can relieve this discomfort and keep the hips fluid and supple in preparation for welcoming the baby through their passageway. It is important during the third trimester not to go too deeply into the added flexibility that comes from the abundance of the hormone relaxin, which prepares the pelvis for maximum flexibility for childbirth. Postures in this group include Bound Angle, Pigeon Pose, Frog Pose, Deep Squat, Wide Angle Forward Bends (standing and seated) and Lunge. Many postures fall into multiple categories, such as side angle or goddess for strengthening AND hip opening.

Backbends/Heart openers - Chest/shoulder/heart opening postures are wonderful to counter the challenges to proper posture and spinal discomfort during pregnancy (and great for postpartum too). These poses are also mood boosters and help us to break down the barriers of a hard heart and open ourselves fully to the new depths of love we are preparing to give and receive as mothers. Postures such as Camel Pose, Bridge Pose, Cow Pose, Fish Pose, Cobra and Dancer are all excellent choices. Should you practice full backbend/wheel pose? It depends - see steps 1, 2, and 3!

Balance poses

Basic balancing poses can be excellent for cultivating strength and focus and helping to find our internal center, our compass that guides us through this miraculous and mysterious process. If there's any question of falling, use the wall for support. Tree Pose, Warrior 3, Dancer, are great selections.

Restorative poses - A wonderful way to begin or end a practice, as well as an excellent practice in their own right, poses such as Child's Pose, Supported Fish, Supported Bound Angle or any other pose that is long held, deeply relaxing, often supported by the use of props, are excellent ways to cultivate release, relaxation, connection to breath and a deep sense of peace that can be a beacon during a time of many changes and challenges.

Most Important
In my experience (10 years on the mat through 3 pregnancies), there is no better way to support a healthy pregnancy, a vital mom, a strong baby, a connection to the miracle of the process and a trust in the universe to guide you through it safely and radiantly, than the practice of yoga. Though my practice has looked quite different through each pregnancy, it has always been marked by a strong intention to let it be born from my instincts and let it flower in the light of present moment awareness.

May you embrace your pregnant body, your beautiful baby, your unique yoga practice and give birth with grace and ease! Feel free to email me at heather@yogabirthbaltimore.org if you'd like more specific guidance or answers to any questions!

Bikes and Birth - the Art of Focused Attention

2009-08-25T20:13:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about different ways to explain the importance of focused attention to my YogaBirth couples.

Today, I happen to accompany my 3 1/2 year old outside as she rode her bike around in front of our house. As she struggled a bit to ride uphill, it struck me. She was - in her great effort to make it up the hill, squirming about, writhing left and right, pulling and pushing on the handlebars. At once going everywhere and nowhere. Her effort and energy was so scattered, she wasn't making any progress.

Once I advised her to slow down, step back, focus and direct her energy straight ahead, she zoomed up the hill with much less effort.

Such it is in birth, just as in yoga, if mind or body is scattered, unfocused, all over the place, it requires a lot of input for very limited results. But when you focus and harness your energy with clear intention in one direction, things proceed more smoothly - greater results with less effort.

Now, the teachings of yoga.

2009-08-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

So begins the preeminent text of yogic philosophy, Patanjali's yoga
sutras. A phrase that, on first glance, appears to be introducing
words yet to come. But in actuality, that one line encompasses the
whole of what yoga is about. The now. The practice of aligning
yourself to your highest potential in each moment and actively
discovering how to live a radically alive life.

It is such a moment for me, as I take a leap toward authenticity,
service and love. I have left a lucrative freelance career in order to
focus my attention and energies on my children, my family and my
growing yoga family as I endeavor to inspire others to these practices
that will help them discover unbounded levels of joy and consciousness.

An Ashtanga and Vinyasa teacher (I like to think of myself as a
facilitator, the practice is the true teacher), I have become
especially dedicated to bringing this practice of self-knowledge and
innate wisdom to expecting families after my own amazing,
transformative, spirit infused birth experiences. It is, in fact, the
birth of my daughters that has ultimately cleared the path to this
moment that I am able to make the leap, and dedicate myself"now" to
sharing the teachings of yoga, which have enriched my life with more
awareness, love, wisdom, courage, happiness than I ever thought
possible.

Pregnancy yoga pioneer Gurmukh says in her book that our babies bring
gifts - opportunities in our lives that wouldn't have happened without
them. Through their birth, I have been born into a fuller evolution of
what I aspire to do with my energy and effort in this lifetime. They say if you follow your bliss, opportunities will open up to you that wouldn't have been there had you remained divided, unsure, fearful. I'm trusting that is true, and that the universe will reward
me for the courage of my convictions.

Baby Beluga or Parenting as Spiritual Practice

2009-07-23T18:23:00.000-07:00

"Baby beluga in the deep blue sea. You swim so wild and you swim so free. Heaven above..."

I practice yoga for many reasons. It makes me feel great physically - strong, clear, healthy, balanced. It is mentally and emotionally cleansing - a wonderful release for negative emotions and a method for cultivating happiness, joy and contentment. But the ultimate purpose of yoga, and indeed the meaning of the word yoga, is union with the divine. The practice of yoga is meant to lead us to the remembrance that everything we are, do, say, feel, experience, think, intuit - is sacred, is divine, is God. The longer I practice, the more I experience this as the overarching purpose of the practice.

I had the opportunity to attend a workshop in Virginia this past weekend with one of my favorite Ashtanga teachers from California who was visiting. He was teaching for a week. Travis wasn't able to take a whole week off of work, so I was only able to go for a few days. Originally, I had planned to stay for four days. Travis had a work emergency that required he not stay past Sunday, so immediately it was down to three. We arrived on Thursday evening, and I was able to attend practice bright and early at 6:30 am on both Friday and Saturday. On Sunday, I woke up at 5:45 to be in the studio for 6:30 practice. I walked in at 6:15 and the place was dead. No one. I happened upon the sign in sheet and noticed that it read 8:30 start time. Apparently it had been changed, but I didn't know. I ran into someone in the parking lot who was just arriving. She informed me that practice had been changed to an 8:30 session of chanting the Hanuman Chalesa, and 9:30 asana practice. So I went back to our campsite, prepared to return at 8:30 for chanting - another method of the practice of yoga, or achieving divine union, divine joy.

As it turned out, once I got back down to the camp site and the rest of the family woke up, I got caught up with the girls and we began cleaning up the camp site while goofing around. I could hear the cars driving up the gravel road to The Barn (the studio was a converted barn space on a farm), and I knew it was time to go in for practice. Bella was jumping on the air mattress and we were singing Baby Beluga as she dove into the mattress as though it were the deep blue sea. I looked at her, thinking, I could leave, go sit in a room with 30+ people who are pretty much strangers, in order to chant an ode to Hanuman in an effort to achieve divine union, or I could stay right here in this beautiful forest - a divine setting - with people who teach me every day lessons in patience, acceptance, compassion, dedication, love and joy, and who most exemplify any awareness I have of what is God - my children. I had already paid to drop in on the practice. I had traveled all this way to work with this teacher. But ultimately, in that moment, the choice of the sacred became the choice of the everyday, the mundane but profound moments with my family, my girls. As we broke down the camp site, I listened to the sounds of the chalesa emanate from The Barn, I raised my voice in song too, but my song was of a different order. "Baby beluga in the deep blue sea, you swim so wild and you swim so free. Heaven above..." and in that forest, in that song, with my family, was the union with God that I strive for in practice. In that way, every moment is practice, every moment is perfect, every moment divine.

Eco Mama

2009-06-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

I think I am fairly eco-conscious. I feel like I do my part for the environment. We recycle and compost kitchen waste. I walk as much as I can rather than drive, eat locally, don't drink bottled water, support organics and fair trade with my purchasing decisions. I'm always looking for ways to do more, better. Like last year, I gave up paper towels (except in certain rare instances) for kitchen towels and cloth napkins. But with a newborn on hand, I have taken this one to new heights. Forget cloth napkins - my own clothes have become the material with which we clean up our messes. Food, breastmilk, snot, spit - you name it - any bodily fluid that comes out of three of the four members of our family (thanks Travis for taking care of your own - usually!) I end up wearing, and often before 9 am. I'm all for saving the planet, but if you have a booger - USE A TISSUE!

Blossom in the Light of the Sun

2009-05-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

As a parent, I've always heard about separation anxiety. I just always thought they meant the anxiety would be on the part of the child. Not so. Definitely the hardest part of having a second baby has been letting go of the closeness I had with the first. When there was only one, mommy was the sun in her universe. I did everything with her - jump on the bike at a moment's notice and go for a ride, sleep in and snuggle, whatever it was, it was always us. Not, of course, that we don't totally welcome and adore Aurora's presence in our lives, but it has meant a change in my relationship with Bella that I am still struggling to accept.

Now that there's another, a nursling, I must be physically much more present with her - holding, soothing, feeding. I'm grateful for every moment of that, but do find a bit of sadness in the fact that I can no longer be the sun in Bella's universe. Still a major planet, no doubt, but she's been forced to branch out to get her needs met, which is entirely good for her - I know I can't be, nor do I want to be, the sole source of support and love in her life, but it still makes me sad that I have to keep saying "mommy can't right now" and see the look of pleading in her eyes when she wants me to do something with her and I either have to tend to Aurora or I'm so brain dead from lacking sleep or the marathon that is every day, I can't be fully present and attentive.

I know it is good for Bella to have a closer relationship with her Dad - he is picking up the slack where I can't be available - and good for her to gain some independence - she poured her own glass of chocolate milk the other day - I mean got the cup, lid and straw, retrieved the milk from the fridge, poured it AND put it back. For her, life is evolving as it should be.

I suppose the yogic lesson in all this is in acceptance and letting go - the realization that nothing stays the same, everything is always changing and you have to be with what is, rather than remain attached to what was or to your ideas of what should be. And educational pioneer Rudolf Steiner says the age of three is the time that some separation from the mother and independence for the child begins, but I've still shed more than a few tears over the separation of myself from my first born. I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that even as she blossoms, I will remain her roots.

A Day in the life of a Mother

2009-05-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

Mothers are often short on time for themselves, so today's version of that was first: shower. Saucha, you know. Second eat lunch (apple) while practicing yoga (sun salutation A repeated).

Upward dog, downward dog, bite. Inhale, exhale, chew.

Ahh, the life of a mother...

2009-05-19T11:06:00.001-07:00

Today as I came to the mat, I lit my usual incense, but this time with thoughts of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, who left his body yesterday. I read that yesterday - left his body - as a way of describing his death, and it felt more real to me, more positive, not so sad as death, but more like a new beginning, much like birth, which has been on my mind a lot lately as well for obvious reasons (i.e. 3 week old baby!).

I must say I am not really saddened by the news. I am saddened for his family, and his Ashtanga family, who will certainly miss his jovial and dedicated spirit and presence, but he has achieved the ultimate union, and I truly belive nothing ever dies, just changes form, consciousness & embodiment. So I know he has peacefully made such a transition and is consciousness.

Thoughts of Guruji's story - who selflessly dedicated himself to the service of yoga and spreading its tools and blessings - meet me at a crossroads in my own life, in which my spirit is encouraging me to let go of a part of my professional life that, after the birth of Aurora, feels like dead weight and dedicate myself to this practice and work of yoga. But my dedication to providing for my family and need to pay the bills keep me hanging on. I need to let go of the idea that there can be no abundance if I focus on teaching yoga and trust in fact that there can be greater abundance if I truly dedicate myself to the path and focus my energies.

As if for the first time...

2009-05-14T13:03:00.001-07:00

Arabella is out, Aurora is asleep, so I turned on some Krisha Das, rolled out my yoga mat and proceeded to engage in my first Ashtanga practice since giving birth two weeks ago. My practice since Aurora's birth has been basically a pose or two a day, but I opened today with sun salutation A, and let it carry me through the standing series, resdiscovering along the way poses and body parts I had all but forgotten. True beginners mind - beginners body. Even surya namaskar was a challenge - finding myself sore in unexpected places (chest) and carrying extra flesh in others (belly, thighs) and relearning how to navigate this body through a practice that I am used to engaging in while feeling lithe and strong. Now I am slow, off balance, off center, weak and basically totally starting over again. The good news is that I've done this before and I know it comes back. The bad news is it takes time, and I don't know what practice is going to look like now that I am mom of two. As I try to find balance and center again in my asana practice, I am also searching for it in my life - what is the new distribution of all the parts - motherhood, marriage, yoga, work, cleaning, bathing, you get it...

Though the postures were clumsy and there was no sense of flow at all, life itself doesn't feel quite that awkward. Regardless of the extra weight and strange sensation of a demanding practice in a temporarily (I hope) different body - I have a greater gift that any posture could ever bestow sleeping in the next room. And I am confident that if I remain in the moment and practice contentment and continue to view everything that happens - including the baby crying in the next room (gotta go) that I will find a new equilibrium in practice and in life! :)

Possible Times for Prenatal Classes & Other Yoga Offerings

2009-05-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

I am in need of input for deciding when to go back to teaching prenatal yoga! I am planning to start offering a prenatal class some time this summer at Charm City Yoga in Towson! But I need your help with figuring out when might be a good time for expectant moms!

If you are pregnant, or even if you have recently given birth, can you please tell me what time(s) are/were most convenient for you to make a prenatal yoga class? I know many students are first time moms who are likely still working, so would weekday evenings be best? 5:00? 5:30? 6:00?
What about weekends? What times on what days would your ideal yoga class be/have been?
Please share so I can maximize people's opportunity to attend!

Also - I am working on other ways to share yoga within the community of expecting families and moms that I have come to love so much! I am thinking of offering postnatal yoga that comes to you, since it can be tough to get out of the house once you have a newborn. Yoga is an amazing tool to restore and regain strength and mobility after giving birth As a new mom, would you be interested in this? Or would you rather get out to a class where there are other new moms?

If you have any other ideas or suggestions as to how your yoga needs could be served as an expecting or new mom, please share them here! I'm open to anything!

Projectile Poop Saves Our Sanity

2009-05-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

Tensions were running a bit high in the brown household on day 6 after aurora’s arrival. Though we were mostly sleeping well (some, better than others, as I often found myself as the meat in a snoring sandwich in our family bed with Travis snoring on one side and Bella snoring on the other in her bed in our room) I suppose some of the adrenaline had begun to wear off, and everyone was working to find equilibrium and adjust to having a fourth member of our family, our precious Aurora.

I was exhausted from my first day alone with the two girls, irritated with Travis for coming home later than he had planned/said, and Bella was in the bathtub, in one of a few episodes of crying. Her response to having to share my attentions and energies with Aurora was to get upset at something small, something that would have scarcely registered on her radar before – or at least only when she was overtired – would cause an outburst, albeit a Bella outburst, which are relatively mild compared to some I’ve seen. This time she was crying about the fact that we “missed the dance” – the imaginary dance that we had prepared her Bear for with full dance wardrobe, then never got to attend because of various duties and goings on around the house. I recognize these outbursts for what they are – her grief at our changing relationship and her effort at finding a new balance – so I’m trying to be calm, patient, and empathetic.

At this particular moment though, I was just too tired, too exhausted and did not have patience to listen to the whining over an imaginary dance that in my mind, could easily be rescheduled. We were all on edge, then SPLAT!

I was changing Aurora’s diaper when I got pooped on, not just a little on your hand pooped on, but projectile, drench me from a foot away – hands, belly, lap – mustard yellow baby poop, flying out of my little tiny Aurora. The yelp I let out sent Bella and Travis running, and what was really a smelly and unfortunate incident turned out to be just the thing we all needed to break the tensions, give us a laugh and set the reset button on our relationships with one another.

Goddess of the Dawn

2009-05-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

As my baby's due date came and went, and then another week went by, I must admit I grew a bit anxious in wondering when she would arrive, would she have grown so big that I would have trouble delivering her, since the pregnancy had lasted a lot longer, would the labor be longer also and if so, would I be able to handle it? Despite all these things running through my mind, I tried to heed my own advice, which is to relax, trust nature and let the baby emerge when she is good and ready. I used a familiar mantra to keep my mind focused on staying in the moment and being patient, which was "My baby will be born in the divine and perfect way at the divine and perfect time" which I repeated to myself over and over again.

For the previous three weeks, I thought labor was imminent several times, as I spent many evenings having contractions, never quite sure if they were the real thing, only to have them stop. I was preparing for a visit from my midwife on Wednesday morning, April 29th, where I was considering using some more invasive (but still natural, such as herbs) measures to get the ball rolling. She was to arrive at 8 am. However, at 2 am, I woke up to use the bathroom, and found myself strangely full of energy and began (for some odd reason) to pick up the house (one of the things I had wanted for labor was a relatively clean house, which is quite hard to achieve for any length of time when a three year old lives in it). Around 3 am, contractions started coming, but I had been fooled with false starts so many times, I was cautious to think "Ok, this is it." But I decided to time them, just to see if a pattern was developing, and sure enough, 10 minutes apart quickly gave way to 8 minutes, which quickly gave way to 5 minutes, and within an hour, contractions were 2 minutes apart and strong as could be. During that time, I noticed a bit of bleeding had begun, and then I was sure - this was it!

Travis and Bella were still sleeping, and during that hour, I lit every candle I could find, opened the front door and walked back and forth between the front porch getting fresh air and drawing on the energy of the night, and the toilet, where it felt most comfortable to sit and relax my pelvic floor. I wondered how long I should go it alone, and when I should wake Travis to start filling the tub. Even though I had wanted Bella to be present for the birth, I was actually relieved that she was asleep during the time I was in the throes of it, because it felt very peaceful to be quiet and alone, in the comfort of my home, breathing deeply and touching the energy of life. I knew, had she been awake, the same level of focused concentration would not have been possible, so I let her continue to sleep, even as I woke Travis at 4:30 to start filling the tub. Then I called the midwife.

I continued to carve a path from the front porch to the bathroom, waiting on the tub to fill and desperately wanting to get in the water, which offered a very soothing allure. But I still had to true concept of how far along I was, and had read that getting in too soon could cause labor to stall, so I was trying to wait on the midwife to arrive to check me first and give the ok. I don't know what time it was that the first midwife arrived, but she said I could get in the tub anytime I wanted, so I immediately jumped in as she began to prepare her stuff. As soon as I got in and found a comfortable position, the contractions seemed to stop. I thought "oh no, I've gone and slowed things down." HA.

Little did I know, but I had hit transition, then that "calm before the storm" which really did seem like this peaceful, totally internally quiet, still moment in which there was no sensation, only time suspended. Then after only a couple of minutes in the tub, I felt the overwhelming urge to push. Thinking "could it really be time to push already" I jumped to my knees, leaned forward over the edge of the tub, spread my knees under me as far as I could, a la frog pose in yoga, and began pushing. I remember biting the edge of the tub, and then biting down on a wash cloth, which helped tremendously, and also counting. I remember thinking "why am I counting?" but somehow it helped so I just kept doing it. "1, 2, 3...25, 26, 27..." not push counting in any way, just counting as a tool of focus. I vividly remember feeling the movement of her head and shoulders, the skeletal structure, moving down and out, and once I realized that I was really pushing, and she was really coming, and this was all ok, even though it was again happening so fast, I went for it. A couple more good pushes and grunts later, and she slid right out just as the other midwife and the birth assistant were walking in through the still open front door.

Moments later, Bella awoke as the birth assistant went in to prepare the bed for our transition out of the tub, and she came in just as I was holding our new arrival - Aurora Harper Brown - and gazing into her perfect, tiny eyes. Travis and Bella together cut the cord, and the three of us just sat there, staring in amazement. None more than me that it had again happened quick and easy. But this time, there was a profound appreciation of the fact that I immediately got to hold her, look at her, and bask in the glow of this moment without anyone whisking her away unnecessarily to a NICU and nursery and costing us those initial moments of bliss. No chaos, no hospital, only our family and the midwives, our wonderful guardians of this most natural process.

After a couple of minutes, we got up out of the tub to move to the bed, and as I passed by the bathroom window, I noticed that it was sunrise. Aurora, my goddess of the dawn as her name means, had indeed arrived in the divine and perfect way, at the divine and perfect time - dawn.

Does How We Give Birth Matter?

2009-04-27T06:40:00.001-07:00

As I write this, I am 5 days past my "due date" for baby #2. Though I fully realize that such a date is not an accurate predictor of when a baby will be born, more of an arbitrary guess at best, and that the baby knows when it is ready to come out, I alternate between being totally fine with this, and having moments of anxiety, more than ready to get this show on the road. Ultimately, I am trying to practice what I preach in YogaBirth sessions, which is to be in the moment, let nature take it's course and trust the process.

I also just happened to come across this article about natural versus medical birth online this morning while reading the news. Given my current state and reflecting on the position of the importance of natural birth that I espouse in my YogaBirth classes, I began thinking about the contrast of that with the incidence of induction, c-section (esp. scheduled) and the like that I see so many of my friends and acquaintances accept without question.

Also, while I am on a break from teaching YogaBirth sessions and somewhat nervously awaiting an "overdue" natural birth, I find myself doing some soul searching - wondering if what I am trying to do by encouraging and supporting women and families through a natural birth process is important and is really what women want, or have we become so modernized, so technogically oriented that no one even cares anymore. These two scenarios, along with the short film I am endeavoring to make for a contest entry sponsored by a group called "Birth Matters" - have motivated me to reach out to you in solicitation of your input and opinion.

Do you think how we give birth matters? Why or why not?

I would love to hear your response, and the sooner the better, as I would love to hear these thoughts in conjunction with the production of my film (the deadline is May 10th!).

Things I will miss/not miss about being pregnant

2009-04-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

Things I will not miss about being pregnant:
nausea
acid reflux
tiredness & immobility
being relatively fat
being relatively out of shape
not being able to bend forward
back strain
the eating
the clothes

Things I will miss about being pregnant:
the entirely unique feeling of a person moving around inside my body
how nice everyone is to you
how much Bella dotes on her baby sister in there
frequent massages
the first hand insights into the cycle of life

Ruminations on the end of pregnancy.

2009-04-10T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I am 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Soon, this leg of the journey will end, our new baby girl will join our family outside the womb, and a beautiful transition will have taken place. Yesterday, Bella and I watched videos of her when she was a baby and I was in sobs, struck by the beauty and enormity of being tasked with the growth and care of another human being and how we, as parents, have the capacity to give them the world through unconditional love and support as they unfold their amazing gifts. And struck by the the tremendous blessing it is to create life - this beautiful amazing person exists where she did not before and it is such an honor to watch her grow and learn and to get to love her and be loved by her. She has grown so incredibly fast - I couldn't believe how such a short time ago she was a gurgling infant - unable to speak or get around on her own - but nonetheless possessed of a vibrancy in her eyes and her spirit that goes beyond words or years. And now we get to do it again. For all the challenges of pregnancy and parenthood, there is no greater gift in the world.

That experience was a great motivator for giving birth. I am at once elated, nervous, happy, scared, excited, eager, confident and ready to cross this next threshold and continue to get to know this new amazing soul that has lived inside me for 9 months. Welcome to the world baby girl. I promise to love you with my whole soul and do everything I can to hold a safe space for you to flourish into your destiny!

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify...

2009-04-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

My journey through yoga over the last 10 years has enriched my life in many ways, but perhaps none greater than the wisdom it has given me to realize that less is truly more. When I began practicing yoga, I was your generic type A overachiever - always taking on tons of projects and finding more and more to do and accomplish, as somehow these accomplishments made me worthy or important.

Through yoga, I came to realize that we are all worthy and important, regardless of what kind of job we have or how much money we make or how long our list of accomplishments on our resume. I began to see the value in just being, rather than doing all the time. But that lesson came into much sharper focus when I became someone's mother. It suddenly became much easier to give up a strong sense of focus on pursuing money or traditional career success, because now I had something much great on which to focus my energy and attention - both my daughter and helping to create space for her growth and self-realization, but also honing the energy and attention I spend towards my own.

I began to say no, to drop projects, to quit odd side jobs - all things that put my focus where it is fleeting and false - and clear space in my life to be present with my daughter and give any professional efforts toward what would maximize my ability to help our family realize our vision of being in the world and give back what I can to others instead of the long held, self centered model from before.

It is from this space that I choose to simplify my life in as many ways as I can. I avoid a 9-5, traffic infused, rat-race paced routine. I working from home and teach yoga during off hours - so I have the flexibility to be the primary presence and companion to my daughter(s), so I have the time to exercise, sleep and not sacrifice what should be basic self care, yet so many neglect. I live in a modest home that is close to nature and to my in-laws so that both can be a regular part of my daughter(s) life and I don't have to do the "rat race" just to afford a huge house in a "prime" location. It is from this space that I am seriously considering "unschooling" my daughter(s) so they enjoy the same freedom and blessings that I feel by being able structure my life in this way - letting each moment in life be teacher, making space for opportunity to explore creativity and spirit, intellect and vision.

I certainly still have dreams about what I want to be and do in this world, but I feel like my priorities are aligned at this moment in time and I know that even if this moment is the pinnacle of what I have achieved, it is enough - I love, I am loved.

Mirror, Mirror...

2009-04-01T16:42:00.001-07:00

The yoga practice is often likened to a mirror in the sense that when you step on your mat and clear the physical and mental space for practice, you begin to see reflected in your activity your tendencies - to striving, to grasping, to aversion, to pushing, to laziness, to the patterns that tend to challenge us and sometimes cloud our vision and clear seeing. One of the goals of the practice is to see things as they are, rather than through the lens of our expectations or judgments.

I find parenting gives us this same gift. Though in yoga, the lessons usually come in moments of quiet clarity, in parenting, they usually come in fits of chaos and doubt. Take this evening, for instance. My daughter slipped and fell while getting into the bath tub. At first she popped up with a quick "I'm ok", but then a tidal wave hit and she exploded at what seemed to me a relatively minor scratch on her leg.

If there's one thing I've learned about toddlers and their tantrums it is that the tantrum is often - usually - not related to the thing that sets it off. Rather, it is the emergency of a store of minor blips and challenges - in her case I think the fact that she was really tired exacerbated the reaction - that finally explode in an emotional release with the presence or occurance of the trigger. My knee jerk emotional reaction to tantrums is frustration - but when I feel it welling up, I have learned to step back, take a deep breath, and look in the "mirror". There I see that the frustration is much about my own inability to immediately calm it or make it better, and as much as I think the reaction to the minor issue is unreasonable - I know that you can't expect a 3 year old to act from a place of reason.

Though sometimes I lose it and try to hush the crying - or worse - start shouting - I can see in the reflection of the practice of parenting that this reaction does no good, only makes things worse and alienates my daughter from her freedom to express her feelings - whatever they may be. I want her to always feel free to express her feelings (within the reasonable limits that no one gets hurt, obviously) and feel bad when I "shush" her when she is having an outburst of frustration or emotion. So I take a deep breath, see the truth in that mirror, and shift my approach to one of quiet abiding - sitting by, touching or holding, allowing the emotions to release as they need to and gradually supporting her back to equilibrium.

When we come out the other side, and I feel bad for having reacted unsupportively, another important parenting lesson I have learned is the power of apology. Children deserve respect and understanding. They benefit from the lessons we all learn when we act in ways we don't mean and then ask for forgiveness. They realize no one is perfect, but forgiveness is imperative to clear any negativity or wrong doing and move forward from a place of love and unity. So whenver I find I have acted or reacted in appropriately, I always let her know I am sorry, I acted from frustration and it is not her fault. I told her she deserves to cry if she wants, to get out the hurt, safely, securely, in the arms of her mother. Whether or not I can make the "boo boo" stop hurting, I can do this much.

2009-03-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

One of the psycho-emotional side benefits that come from a significant, consistent yoga practice is a sense of trust in the universe, a sense of well-being, that if you just hit the mat, move and breathe, all will work out as it is supposed to (even if not always the way you think or like). But with less time spent in the space of remembrance of that fact, there is a greater sense of fear and trepidation that something will go wrong - something will fail or fall. A regular, intense yoga practice is my tool for working through fears, doubts, anxieties, misgivings, nagging negative thoughts and coming to reside in that peaceful, trusting, center. Without it, life feels more dense, a little less peaceful. Though still happy, also experiencing fears that the bottom will fall out. When I am in yoga, I feel on a cellular level that even if the bottom does fall out, all will be well. Right now, I know that intellectually, but I long for the days when a vigorous hatha experience can brush off the dust and increase the trust.

2009-03-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

I can tell I'm going to be having a baby soon by my incredible urge to throw things out and organize! When a major shift such as the birth of a baby happens, it is naturally time to let go of other things - to keep the cycle of renewal moving forward and make space for something expansive.

Back to Basics

2009-02-09T13:20:00.001-08:00

There's nothing like pregnancy as a time to help you rediscover the basics of presence and balance in your body. This is even more evident after experiencing a sickness in pregnancy. I just spent the first beautiful weekend of the year in bed with a stomach virus. I was also joined by my husband, and incidentally, being parents to a 3 year old has never been less doable than when BOTH are sick in bed and neither can walk. (Thanks Grandma!)

In my last post, I spoke of letting go of the ego of advanced poses and getting back to basics. Never have I felt that more in just this moment of practice. After two days of every pore of your skin aching and being purged from the inside out, a simple sun salutation felt like a rediscover of every minute fiber of my being. It actually called forth tears at the joy of movement and health.

When not pregnant, my asana practice is pretty advanced and I tend to become attached to both the feeling of freedom and strength in my body (and probably a little ego that goes along with it). But today's practice made me remember, at an even more fundamental level that I have been with the pregnancy, that it doesn't have to be fancy or complicated to be effective. It's like a drug - the more you do, the more you need to do to break through plateaus. But when something comes up in life - as it always does - that makes you have to change approach either temporarily or permanantly, getting back to basics is a joyful rediscovery of how yoga affects your body and changes your life.

Giving up on headstands, handstands and bridge pose

2009-02-05T16:56:00.000-08:00

I am 29 weeks pregnant, and today found out the baby (a girl!) is already head down. My midwife said there's no guarantee she'll stay that way - still plenty of time to flip about - but that once they are there they often do stay. I'll be having home birth, so I'm extra inclined to make sure everything goes smoothly, and avoiding a breech baby would be an excellent start, so I'm thinking I'll be giving up my practice of inversions and bridge pose (a pose often used to turn a breech in a head down direction and in which I can really feel her little limbs go flailing about - in happiness or frustration I can't quite tell!) for the time being - better safe than sorry.

Though I appreciate the power of those poses - particularly the inversions - and the strength they cultivate both physically and mentally, I am completely unattached and willing to let them go for now. I've had a humility about my yoga asana practice this time around that wasn't really present the first time. Pregnant with my first, I was still practicing Ashtanga primary series until well into my 7th month and still doing fairly demanding poses in the days before delivery. But without a child already to care for and keep up with, there was much more time and energy available to indulge myself in a regular 90 minute yoga, intense yoga practice.

The second time - things grow a lot faster for one - but there also is far less time and energy available for yourself when keeping up with a 3 year old, so my asana practice this pregancy has been less showy, less ego driven, more restorative, more directed in preparation for birth and most importantly - more spiritually, rather than physically, focused. My primary asana focus has been to keep energy moving freely, especially pelvic and spinal energy, to keep my hips open, my posture proper, my lower back alleviated and balanced and maintain some modicum of strength.

But an even more important practice during this pregnancy has been the practice of mantra and chanting - of harnessing the power of manas, the mind, to set the stage for an natural, conscious, easy, quick, obstacle free home birth. Harnessing the power of vibration to bring energy to matter. Though ultimately recognizing that I'm not in control, I truly believe we play a strong part in creating our realities through our thoughts and our offerings, so my practice this time around has been oriented toward cultivating inner strength, releasing fear and courting confidence and the kiss of the divine.

While I may miss flying steady and light in arm balances, or finding that precise sticking alignment of handstand, I can rest those experiences for a while in recognition that the hiatus is all part of the ebb and flow of life, secure in the yogic wisdom that everything changes and non-attachment is a path to freedom. Soon enough, I'll be practicing Ashtanga again, but for now, my practice is to open myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as the conduit for a new earthly being. There is no greater yoga, or union, than that.